Mooshyness Of A Panda

All Grown Up

2011-05-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

So far, 2011 has been such a smooth year, with hardly any bumps in the road. In fact, I've been rather consistently happy for about a year now. I've made friends in Arizona, I've finally reached my goals for continuing on to a university, Thomas and I couldn't be better, and, well, the future looks bright!

I can't help but hear a little voice wondering when something is going to go wrong... After all, life isn't life without it's little disappointments through out.

Anyway, I suppose I just wanted to write this down, because when I read my older posts I sound like such a whiny beast and I can't stand it.

Maybe I've finally reached equilibrium. No more highs and lows, just a normal sort of... straight course. I hope so.

2010-06-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

Afraid

2010-06-21T22:47:00.001-07:00

I am afraid of my neighborhood.
I am afraid I've lost myself.
I am afraid I am not capable of being in a happy relationship.
I am afraid I'm bipolar, or worse (like my mother).
I am constantly afraid of offending everyone (see also: unnecessarily apologizing for everything).
I am afraid I overreact to everything.
I am afraid I am not capable of being happy.
I am afraid that I make everything a big deal, therefore making the actual big deals seem like just another thing.
I'm afraid that I suck. At everything.

Tonight, I hate Arizona. I hate that I don't know if what I feel is rational any more. I hate that I can hide these kinds of feelings and do, even when I really shouldn't. Why did I hide all these things from my therapist back in Santa Cruz? Man, I hate having to write such emo teenage thoughts down, but I just feel lost, almost constantly these days. I don't know what to do.

2009-03-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

Until there's nothing left to love,
until there's nothing left to hate.
I appreciate the help,
but even you can't save me from myself.
-Her Space Holiday

2009-03-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

I know that I can't win.
So why should I try?
It's been this way for years,
you'd think by now I'd know why.
-Her Space Holiday

Whenever I make plans it never EVER works out just how I want it to, so maybe I should stop making plans.

2009-03-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Stupid pink eye. It won't go away!

The Panda Is In

2009-03-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

After "googling" my old blog's title, I've decided to bring pinkpolkadotpanda back to life. Due to some very strange circumstances, I had to take my ongoing blog, entitled "pinkpolkadotpanda" offline, however I proudly raise my middle finger to all parties involved with that circumstance and begin again.

So, here we go. :D

Hang Ups

2009-03-07T21:09:00.001-08:00

You can do better than me.
But I can't do better than you.
-Death Cab For Cutie.

Often times, when I am alone and sitting in my apartment (which I often am), I wonder if I am supposed to be out doing something else. If perhaps I am wasting my life away, sitting inside by myself, watching tv shows online. I feel like I should get involved in something else that will take my time and energy but that I also enjoy. On the other hand, I feel that taking on another project would be too much for me right now, and I should just focus on finishing school and once I'm done with that I can take on something else. I don't know what, exactly...

I long for activity that gets me outside and around like-minded people. Something active, inexpensive, that requires dedication and energy, but isn't all consuming either. Gah!

Everyone says they felt disconnected and lost during their twenties. It makes me feel a bit better to hear that what I'm feeling isn't abnormal and that maybe eventually I'll feel more grounded.

Motivation

2009-03-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

For some reason when I woke up today I felt highly motivated.

I spoke with my friend Jake a bit last night, and it was encouraging. He seems pretty sure that once I am out of school life will change and perhaps settle down a bit.

I was looking around at jobs, unfortunately nothing pays well enough for me to work part-time, and there is no way in hell I'm going to take on a second job right now.

Anyway, since today I'm feeling motivated, I'm going to take advantage of the feeling and get a lot of stuff done:

1. Super clean room
2. Homework
3. Clean car
4. Exercise
5. Pack

Ok...GO!

Dreams

2009-02-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed my friend's brother started to have a thing for me. I decided he was alright so we go to his room and start making out. All of a sudden he gets up and announces that he is unsure about this, and he is the type of person to change his mind about women a lot. I look at him like he is insane and say, "Dude, we just made out. It's not a big deal", however he doesn't agree and he begins tearing around the apartment crying.

Lately I have been wondering if this life has anything good for me up ahead. When I look back at the past few years, it seems as though it has just been "one damned thing after another", as they say. Am I going to be one of those people that after I'm old others will look at me and say, "she had a rough life"?

I always saw myself as the main character in this movie... The main character lives happily ever after, doesn't she? Or have I been placed smack dab in the middle of a tragedy and I don't even realize it yet?