All Grown Up

So far, 2011 has been such a smooth year, with hardly any bumps in the road. In fact, I've been rather consistently happy for about a year now. I've made friends in Arizona, I've finally reached my goals for continuing on to a university, Thomas and I couldn't be better, and, well, the future looks bright!

I can't help but hear a little voice wondering when something is going to go wrong... After all, life isn't life without it's little disappointments through out.

Anyway, I suppose I just wanted to write this down, because when I read my older posts I sound like such a whiny beast and I can't stand it.

Maybe I've finally reached equilibrium. No more highs and lows, just a normal sort of... straight course. I hope so.

Afraid

I am afraid of my neighborhood.
I am afraid I've lost myself.
I am afraid I am not capable of being in a happy relationship.
I am afraid I'm bipolar, or worse (like my mother).
I am constantly afraid of offending everyone (see also: unnecessarily apologizing for everything).
I am afraid I overreact to everything.
I am afraid I am not capable of being happy.
I am afraid that I make everything a big deal, therefore making the actual big deals seem like just another thing.
I'm afraid that I suck. At everything.

Tonight, I hate Arizona. I hate that I don't know if what I feel is rational any more. I hate that I can hide these kinds of feelings and do, even when I really shouldn't. Why did I hide all these things from my therapist back in Santa Cruz? Man, I hate having to write such emo teenage thoughts down, but I just feel lost, almost constantly these days. I don't know what to do.

Until there's nothing left to love,
until there's nothing left to hate.
I appreciate the help,
but even you can't save me from myself.
-Her Space Holiday

I know that I can't win.
So why should I try?
It's been this way for years,
you'd think by now I'd know why.
-Her Space Holiday

Whenever I make plans it never EVER works out just how I want it to, so maybe I should stop making plans.

Stupid pink eye. It won't go away!

The Panda Is In

After "googling" my old blog's title, I've decided to bring pinkpolkadotpanda back to life. Due to some very strange circumstances, I had to take my ongoing blog, entitled "pinkpolkadotpanda" offline, however I proudly raise my middle finger to all parties involved with that circumstance and begin again.

So, here we go. :D